My no-fail guide to surviving sexual harassment anytime, anywhere [satire]

My no-fail guide to surviving sexual harassment anytime, anywhere (satire) Click To TweetI’m a lucky woman to have lived in ‘Murica, Mexico, and Argentina. I plan to travel the entire world somehow despite the fact that my bank account is telling me dreams are far too expensive. Here’s what I’ve learned about avoiding sexual harassment in the public and private sphere of my life (so, everything…). Do these things, and you’ll see how sexual harassment will go from a constant anxiety-inducing threat to a former constant anxiety-inducing threat.

  1. Don’t shower. Pro tip: don’t shower for days at a time and run like hell. Marinating in your own sweat and grime produces the best results.
  2. Forget hygiene altogether. Cleanliness attracts people, including pervs/harassers, and those who sit quietly while you’re terrorized.
  3. Cover your entire body. Use a shower curtain, a blanket, and other items you can use you to hide your face and lovely curves while out in public.
  4. Or don’t cover it up. 
  5. Don’t tell anyone. If you don’t mention it, you can fool yourself into thinking it never happened. (And no one likes a snitch!)
  6. Do Krav Maga. Any form of martial art will do, actually. Pro-tip: if you break someone’s jaw, they can’t say lewd comments about you.
  7. Tell them your boyfriend is on the way. If they don’t know you’re single, then you’re not lying.
  8. Wear a fake engagement ring. I didn’t invent this one.
  9. Send yourself flowers to work/school/etc. It’s a worthwhile investment.
  10. Avoid going into the entertainment industry. You like movies? So do men.
  11. Avoid the tech industry. You’ll be clearly outnumbered.
  12. Eat lots of raw onion, kimchi, garlic, or canned tuna. Nothing says “get the hell away from me” faster than dragon breath.
  13. Don’t go outside. Harassers like the sun, rain, snow, and cloudy days.
  14. Don’t go inside. Don’t go to work, school, church, or other social gatherings. Harassers abound in these places.
  15. Shave your head. You’ll look super-intimidating and save money on shampoo.
  16. Or let your hair grow super long. You can use it as lasso if you sense harassment activity.
  17. Tell their mother. This may or may not work, but it’s worth stalking your harasser on Facebook so you can give her all the juicy details.
  18. Burn your cell phone. If you don’t have a number, they can’t send you dick pics.

 

 

 

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